So I'm back in High School and as usual I'm confused and can't find my classes etc but i find a pad of 'excuse forms' for class absences and i figure I'll just use these and forget about English for a while. I do so for at least half the year.

Time goes by and I finally decide to begin attending classes-at least one anyway, and to my surprise English is being given by a no beard-still-in-his -prime David Letterman!

Letterman doesn't ask for the excuse form which i haven't...

In 1967/68 i was so busted i worked at a Car Wash- the biggest i had ever seen-On Gervais St in Columbia SC. They only had a small permanent staff because they couldn’t have 40-50 workers getting paid on a rainy or otherwise lousy day with no business. They hired Shapers (guys that showed up hoping to work) on a daily basis and I was “lucky” enough to get picked one beautiful Saturday near dawn.They probably hired 40 extras that day.

The cars were lined up the street, up the hill...

When i was in my late 20′s, i was enamored with this girl whom i thought was the most beautiful creature on earth. She was just my type-Five foot nothing, 95/100 lbs, long hair, perfect little butt, gorgeous and she glowed..She had recently lost her fairly long term boyfriend and was going through a rough time-feeling overly sad and depressed. She and i had been pretty close both during and after her former relationship.

She slept on her couch every night though her bed was...

I arrived for my initial visit with Dr Vigil a week ago and was handed new patient forms to fill out. The forms had been copied so many times and the letters were so small they were virtually impossible to read in many places. You’d have to be an expert in miniature writing to get your phone number squeezed in where they wanted it. On the top of page 2 were about 8 numbered blank spaces to be filled in with no heading advising what info they were requesting.

I asked the girl at the...

Early this week was rather cool here in Florida with the high for the day 73 degrees but still, due to the greenhouse effect, my car was boiling inside when i entered for a short drive to my Eye Doctor. Rather than sitting there in the inferno until the A/C finally overtakes the heat, I open a couple of windows and pull away. The temperature inside immediately began dropping with the rush of the cooler outside air.

Things were getting fairly comfortable by the time i reached the...

Back in in the 70’s a friend wanted me to tag along to see this guy in upper Westchester. My buddy, Eric, had found himself in possession of some extremely low quality green leafy material-referred to as ‘headache weed’ back then as no matter how much you consumed, that would be all you got. My friend wasn’t having that, and he told me this guy Spencer was the only person to whom he could unload it. It was only an ounce and If it was tested for THC, you probably couldn’t be prosecuted for it....

I joined what seemed to be a simple men’s hangout club in NYC. I went there every chance i had. It was in a Brownstone with the usual 7-8 cement steps out front. I’m in my 30′s or so.

I hang around for 2-3 weeks there having fun with the guys-Just BSn mostly, talking about fishing, women etc. No one ever talks about the club itself, dues, who owns it or anything similar. None of that enters my mind while im hanging there. I'm just having fun!

So one day 2-3 weeks...

Along the same lines as my mafia dreams where i screw up every order Gotti gives me, lose or spill ketchup on his suit and wind up going for a long drive in the country with Joe Pesci sitting behind me, Donald Trump last night insisted on lending me his Stradivarius Violin. Things proceeded southward from there. The Stradivarius was in a plain cardboard box so as not to draw unwanted attention.The first thing that goes wrong is when i take it out of the box, some guy rips it up for recycling....

In 9th grade, due to some academic and disciplinary problems that occurred at a Catholic school, i had to switch to a Public School. Ninth grade was the last year of Jr High back then and i was the new guy thrust in with kids who had gone to school together for two years minimum, and many who had been together since kindergarten.

All the “cool kids” dressed in the style of the day whereas previously i had worn a school uniform. I didn’t have any cool clothes and...

WORST ER EVER?
This past Tuesday 4/17, I fell and broke my elbow/arm (hairline fracture), tripping over one of those ‘manhole covers’ in a gas station within 30 yds of my home. The covers were raised at least an inch off the surface. Admittedly, the one that got me may have been painted orange (There were several in the area- both painted and unpainted) but 2 cars were coming at me from 2 different directions and my attention was on them. After my foot made direct contact with the cover....

I went to see this Dr for a stomach issue maybe 15 years ago. A relative was seeing him so i gave him a shot. The appointment was for 8AM and i walked in there with my morning coffee and he called me into his office. I sat in front of his desk and put my completely dry paper cup of coffee on it.

He went nuts-yelled something at me and left the room to get a towel to wipe up nothing-literally nothing-zero moisture. While he was out there I heard him say to his Secty “Next thing you...

In my early years wintering in Fla, i rented an efficiency from an old guy in his 80’s named Chet. He was an ex engineer who had specialized in heat carrying pipes and their couplings. Brilliant guy who still had it in many ways but who also had a bit of dementia in other areas.

Evidently Chet had previously rented his place to a bunch of Roma criminals who used his garage to store stolen furniture. When they were caught, after a chase, the neighborhood (a good one) was filled...

Way before the babies leave the nest, the hawk parents stop spoon feeding them- they just drop off food in the nest and let the kids tear it up and eat. So anyway, years back on the maiden flight, or one shortly thereafter, one of the kids smashed right into a building and broke off his beak-the top part.

Pale Male has to feed the kids the first 4-5 weeks or so after they leave the nest and in the process teaches them how to hunt. So he drops off half a pigeon in front of ‘No Beak’...

When i was in kindergarten, i use to walk to school of course-across a major thoroughfare by the way. I would go over there to play until i was about 10 or so also.

They had a heavy duty swing set as most elementary schools do and I will never forget-there was this one girl who could swing higher than anyone- male, female, adult, whatever. She went 1.5-2 feet higher than anyone else I’d say. When you were 100 yds away you knew if she was on those swings-I never knew her name...

So I’m on the job- I’ve found Pale Male sitting on the roof of the Carlyle Hotel which is on Madison Ave a full block away from Fifth Ave which borders the Park and 3 blocks North of my spot by the Sailboat pond.. In addition I’m 200 yards further into the Park and Pale Male is 50 stories in the air. It has to be 1/4-3/8 of a mile away or more but i have my best scope on him and it’s a pretty good view.

A guy comes along in one of those handicapped scooters and he is all excited when...

It’s 1969 or 1970 and i am about to launch my career on Wall St. I'm fairly desperate to find something that doesn't involve delivering or deep frying chicken-a position that might lead to a future. In pursuit of this, the previous week i had met with a Personnel Agency on Nassau St in downtown NYC. I had come to them via a Times Newspaper Ad for an ‘Account Clerk-Manager Trainee-FEE PAID, 10K after one year’. Remember the year folks. A lot of inflation has occurred since then.

I’m...

So i'm standing pretty near to the Madison Square Garden area on the East Side of 8th Ave and for whatever reason I'm gazing across looking at the west side of 8th Ave. It's 2008 or so-broad daylight, lunch time and there are throngs of people on the sidewalks doing the hustle bustle as cars, honking taxis along with belching trucks and buses creep up 8th ave- going nowhere fast.

I notice a group of people rounding the corner of 29th or 30th St. Men in business suits, shoppers,...

Read Part 1 below first


So i see me seat- I motion to the guy on the aisle that I'm coming in for the window. He jumps up and i slide in. Meanwhile all around there is a sneeze/cough cacophony saturating the air-literally. Within 3 rows of me, there are at least 3 sneezers and 2 serial coughers. Next to elevators and Kindergarten classes, an airplane is the best place to be if you want to get sick. I'm trying not to breathe and inexplicably it is getting more difficult as time...

A Simple Trip to Florida
The day seemed to start so well, especially considering what time it had begun. I am up at 6 AM for my 8:15 flight to Florida from The Westchester County Airport (HPN)-conveniently located less than 6 miles away. By 6:20 I'm feeling great, having for the first time in several years met the sandman by 10 PM the previous evening. It wasn't until 10 hours later that I realized 2 SNAFU's had already occurred.

MY alarm had never gone off! My clock is one...

After three days on the road, I am nearing my destination, Tunica Mississippi, a casino town built on farm land deep in the heart of nowhere. The mandatory big billboards appear on either side of the road heralding the coming casinos, the big jackpots and whatever else they can come up with to make you drive on against your better judgment.

Now in most second rate casino areas, these signs will highlight the coming shows; Shows featuring C list performers. Coming July 27th - Fabian!!....

These are not all inclusive. They are from my experience and you are probably not going to find them elsewhere. For the most part they are copy/pasted from my computer and humor free. Get your regular worn out tips from standard travel sites. These tips do not apply to all. If any fit for you, then good. Females will not get as much as men out of these.

GENERAL

Under no circumstances unless you know the individual hotel, should you book a Ramada, Motel 6, Super 8,...